Artist Statement
In my work, I focus on the feeling of being trapped in a cycle of regression, fear, anger, depression, and acceptance, where each piece focuses on one part of it. This cycle is never ending for me, and it feels like the only way to be free is to leave all of it behind. When I was little and my dad died, people started telling me he was in a better place. In the piece “Unreachable,” I try to illustrate my idea of death, where my dad is safe and surrounded by fabric, and in contrast, I am alone and vulnerable. As things piled upon me growing up, I started romanticizing death as a better place where I could finally attain peace of mind.
However, my death would create more grief for those surrounding me, so I adapted to survive. I hide what's going on in the draping of my fabric pieces to distract people from my true feelings. I make reminders of power out of jewelry and use them as evidence that I can keep going. I create shoes so I have a push to be free.
I create to stop this painful cycle and begin to feel safe in myself. But when my mind gets overtaken by grief and everyday life, I enter a state of understanding and acceptance of my own powerlessness. In the piece “Mildred,” which I am wearing in my performance, I show the part of myself that is exhausted from having to watch and act in a preset life. I enter the depression part of the cycle, and all I can think of is if I can't find freedom in death, how do I free myself? I start feeling the need to run away because I am scared of what will happen if I stay. But I am also afraid of what would happen to the people I leave.
People leaving me are the way this cycle started. One day, it would be nice to be the person to go instead of the person left behind. There is always someone that has to clean up afterward, whether emotionally or physically. Eventually, I reach acceptance of the mess I am left with and hope that someday it will get better. With this exhibition, I allow myself to be both the left behind and the leaver behinder.
